Saturday, September 29, 2007


I know it's been a long time, and even now - I have no thoughts of my own to share, but instead a poem that I found, and love:

I died for Beauty - but was scarce
Adjusted in the tomb
When One who died for Truth, was lain
In an adjoining Room-

He questioned softly "Why I failed"?
"For Beauty", I replied-
"And I - for Truth - Themself are One-
We brethren, are", he said

And so, as Kinsmen, met a Night-
We talked between the Rooms-
Until the Moss had reached our lips-
And covered up-our names-

Friday, September 14, 2007


Two weeks of "my new job" which isn't new at all, just a little more responsibility, and I am already so tired. I feel like I have worked every day for the past two weeks, and I am starting to feel it. I just keep thinking about how tired I will be when Amalea comes... and it does not make me mad or regret in any way having a child - it just makes me a little nervous: How will I respond to little to no sleep?

I have been thinking a lot about sleep lately. Recently I listened to a Radio Lab podcast about sleep, and they say that Scientists don't really know why we sleep - only that when we don't, BAD things happen. People get irritable and down right nasty. Sometimes I wonder, will I ever yell at my daughter? I can't decide. Everyone says, "Oh you will." And I don't want to be snobby and think that I really won't... but I really don't think I could - at least, not in the "losing it yell for no reason yell because I'm pissed the Dodgers lost" sort of way. you know?

Anyway... perhaps we'll just have to wait and see!

All I know is that Amalea is going to be given life and to the fullest. I will do my best to create a space where she can dream, where she can find her voice, and learn to love. I will hold her when she cries and is hurting, and listen when she discovers new things. I will let her imagine, I will let her create. She will laugh and we will sing together. Dance, and perhaps cry together. She is a blank canvas and she will hold the paint brush of her life, and I can't wait to see what she paints. She will be beautiful... and she will be loved.

And if she's a he - he will be cherished and given the chance to explore and figure things out, and I will love him so much.

God, thank you for life.

Sunday, September 9, 2007


It is by far the best day of the week. Sundays start earlier then any day of the week for me. It's up and adam (whatever that means) at 7 or 7:30 (depending on if I want to get to church on time... not that I really have to) then off to church at around 9.

Robin and I get through the first service, usually passing notes to each other or whispering things in each others ears (yes i know we're going to hell for this) and then it's off to lead the youth through some exciting worship songs (they look like the zombies on 28 days later) and then try and teach them something new (we actually do have some pretty interesting conversations most of the time). It's great seeing all of our friends (by friends I mean the high school and Jr. highers) and most Sundays we go out to lunch after church with a bunch of the teens.

It's just such a relaxing day.

When we get home, the house feels so peaceful, and Robin and I usually just sit around and enjoy being tired on the couch (I know this all changes very soon). We play video games or watch movies (today we watched another one of my Anime films), check our email or take a nap - we're just lazy - and it's great.

From the time we get home from church, to the time we eat dinner, those few hours are the most precious to me. I feel like in those few hours, Robin and I can do whatever we want...

Sunday dinners we try and make, so we spend some quality time at the table talking about the week to come, the week past, and church that day. Our meals are simple - usually just an entre (most of the time it's those frozen meals from Trader Joes) and a salad or other vegetable concoction. We help each other with the dishes, and then sometimes take a walk in the setting sun and the afternoon breeze. It's very serene.

In the evening, it's more of nothing - or a little planning for the week, reading, writing in our blogs, or more video games. Sometimes we play Scrabble... I love that.

Right now, Robin is resting on the couch, her belly exposed and just waiting to pop. Even in this constant state of discomfort, she looks peaceful. Sundays do that to us. We dont think about Monday or the fact we have to go back to work... all we can do is rest. It's beautiful. Amalea will not "ruin" these moments, she will only bring more vibrant color and life to this almost perfect day. She will fill the room with laughter and emotion, and fill our hearts with joy. We are so excited for her to come.

Friday, September 7, 2007

Nausicaa of the valley of the Wind

Even if you aren't a big Anime fan, this was a great story about peace, non-violence, the effects of war, and the pollution of the earth. I love the way that Anime deals with very human concepts in imaginative and creative ways. This movie paints a beautiful stunning world that steals you away and yet brings you face to face with the ugliness of human hatred, violence, rage, and war (competition to survive).

I recommend it. Give it a chance, you'll probably have to find it on Blockbuster online, or NetFlicks or something.

I'm pretty sure it was made in 1984, but the English dubbing must be pretty recent as Shia LeBouf or whatever his name is is in it.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007


It is 2:15am right now. I woke up to the sound of silence. It was eerie. The weather has been so strange lately, and tonight I woke up and it was so still. No wind. No dogs barking. No cars driving. No train. Just silence. The house even feels quiet. It's odd.

Maybe God is just getting my body ready to get up in the middle of the night.

Monday, September 3, 2007

Absent Fathers

Why are men, traditionally, such selfish, inconsiderate, arrogant ass-holes?

Robin and I had lunch with my brother Bryan and his wife and three kids today in Santa Barbara, and on the way home we listened to a THIS AMERICAN LIFE episode called ACCIDENTAL DOCUMENTARIES. The show focuses on a bit of old tape dating from the 50's and 60's that was found at a thrift store which contained home recordings. The idea behind the episode was that these home recordings could be called "accidental documentaries" because they weren't purposefully recorded as documentaries, and therefor contain the very element of real life that documentaries try and capture, but so often can not because of the awareness that people are being filmed or recorded.

Anyway, the whole episode also centered around fathers - and not intentionally really, it just happened that through these recordings, you found holes... holes in families caused by absent fathers. Fathers who are so preoccupied by their work, by their obsessions, or by themselves, that their families never really get to know them. Either by ego, or issues from their own past, or just an ideology that they must be the sole provider of the family and therefore become work-a-holics... these fathers never connect with their kids, oppress their wives, and more often then not, end up miserable and alone. Which leads me to wonder... why are men such self-centered, egotistical maniacs who are only concerned about themselves, their interests, and getting what THEY want in life? How does this happen?

For instance, in one of the documentaries... it is a mother and father recording messages to their son who is away at college. The mom constantly is talking about her feelings and emotions, about her religion and worship time - while the dad's extent of discussion usually focuses around talking about machinery and his job, and telling crude jokes. It's like the only thing this Dad thinks about, is his job, and his machinery (toys). Everything else comes second - whether he thinks so or not.

Will I be such a father? I'm torn when I think about my career as a Youth Pastor - spending time with kids - and my role as a father - spending time with my own kids... and can I balance the two or will I focus so much on my job that I forget about my family... ? I think about how there are things I like, such as computers, web design, video games, and reading... will I get so caught up in my hobbies and pleasures that I disregard my wife and children's feelings? God, I hope not.

But then I have this strange thought... it seems, that most of the time, you can't really blame some of these men who end up being really bad fathers... Nobody taught them otherwise, they have so many issues from their own past they can't get past them. And perhaps they really are torn inside, they want to be good fathers but they just can't seem to get past their desires (success, football, women, toys, beer, whatever it is...) and so the desires win...

...I probably won't be like this, but that is because I think about this stuff a lot. I am a thinker... a philosopher - but most men are not. Most men are into cars and football, and couldn't tell their wife was sad unless there were tears rolling down her cheek (and even then...). So for the rest of time, for the rest of humanity, is this how it will be? Men will be selfish, arrogant ass-holes who put themselves before anyone else?