SLEEPY

Two weeks of "my new job" which isn't new at all, just a little more responsibility, and I am already so tired. I feel like I have worked every day for the past two weeks, and I am starting to feel it. I just keep thinking about how tired I will be when Amalea comes... and it does not make me mad or regret in any way having a child - it just makes me a little nervous: How will I respond to little to no sleep?

I have been thinking a lot about sleep lately. Recently I listened to a Radio Lab podcast about sleep, and they say that Scientists don't really know why we sleep - only that when we don't, BAD things happen. People get irritable and down right nasty. Sometimes I wonder, will I ever yell at my daughter? I can't decide. Everyone says, "Oh you will." And I don't want to be snobby and think that I really won't... but I really don't think I could - at least, not in the "losing it yell for no reason yell because I'm pissed the Dodgers lost" sort of way. you know?

Anyway... perhaps we'll just have to wait and see!

All I know is that Amalea is going to be given life and to the fullest. I will do my best to create a space where she can dream, where she can find her voice, and learn to love. I will hold her when she cries and is hurting, and listen when she discovers new things. I will let her imagine, I will let her create. She will laugh and we will sing together. Dance, and perhaps cry together. She is a blank canvas and she will hold the paint brush of her life, and I can't wait to see what she paints. She will be beautiful... and she will be loved.

And if she's a he - he will be cherished and given the chance to explore and figure things out, and I will love him so much.

God, thank you for life.