Monday, October 29, 2007


I'm not against children's music - I love Rafi. But children's praise songs are about the worst collection of songs ever written... and this tops that list. Listener beware; this is the worst song, EVER.

* This is from a Kid's DISCovery cd that Marty got. It highlights new worship music for kids... haha. The name of this "Band" is Covenant Canyon's Cowboy Hat Choir... need I say more?

Monday, October 22, 2007

My new life

Can I even relate what it feels like to have a child?

Everything changes.

And I don't just mean that you have less time for yourself (I'm so annoyed by those people who make it sound like they regret having kids). I'm talking, EVERYTHING changes. Suddenly the glasses you have been wearing up until now get shattered, replaced with new lens, and everything is different. Not only do you see things differently, you hear things differently, you feel things differently. Whatever chemical it is that our bodies release when we become parents (OXYTOSINE?) - it alters reality.

It enhances reality.

But more specifically, being a parent increases empathy.

For the first time I am beginning to understand, or at least empathize, with certain people.

For instance, I understand over protective parents. I still don't think it is healthy to be super over protective - but I understand how people become that.

I understand marital and family issues, how stressful parenting can be and how some who aren't prepared (mentally/spiritually) can break and lose it.

Suddenly the world is beginning to make more sense... and it doesn't freak me out, or make me angry. Instead, it gives me hope. I know that sounds weird... but in a way it helps me see the why behind certain things in the world which helps me be a better pastor. I don't know how to describe that - except that my job is to see the unseen. To witness the why's and help people see, understand, empathize, and hopefully... forgive. We could all use a little forgiveness. A little grace. Being a parent has taught me grace... we are all fragile, we are all weak. We are all trying the best we can with the hand we've been dealt. Even that effort of trying the best we can is effected by our pasts... it is all connected.

Things are beginning to make sense. But there are still so many mysteries. How do families become so dysfunctional and brothers and sisters, parents and kids become so angry towards each other? Where does it start? Can you see destruction happening - or does it just hit you in the face one day... Will it happen to us? So many questions still... a journey, a new life I am learning to live. A new dance to learn... and now Robin, Amalea and I are taking our first steps...stumbling to the rhythm, learning the dance.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Being a father...

I have had two weeks of being a father and how do I feel? Overwhelmed.

Amalea was born two weeks ago on Oct. 1 - and since then, things have been so weird. Suddenly there is this person, this little innocent person that you just can't stop thinking about. There is always something to do; change a diaper, burp her, rock her to sleep, try to wake her up, give her a bath - and when I'm not trying to help with Amalea, there's always our lives that still keep going on; laundry, dishes, work, Zelda (ok that's not a necessity), etc. Life is so busy and demanding now, not to mention scary.

Tonight Amalea would not stop crying. And I don't mean a whimper or a little wah wah every other second. This was a non-stop breath taking, chill-giving scream-a-thon with no end in sight. Poor little thing looked like she was on the verge of death. And I held her and rocked her and put her over my shoulder to try and burp her while she screamed in my ear... but no luck, just scream scream scream. And who do you call? Is it bad enough to call 911? Is it bad enough to drive 30 minutes to the ER? Kaiser has no hotline, no nurse to talk to... so you're left weighing what you should do... and you're never really sure you made the right decision even when you buckle down and make a decision. I guess that describes fatherhood to a T. You do what you can - you do what you think you have to in any given moment, and pray that it's the right thing. Of course there is preperation and reading advice from professionals, but half the time they all contradict themselves, and all you can trust is intuition.

Robin is a great mother. She is so patient with Amalea, and so diligent at making sure she gets fed and I can tell it pains her to see her baby cry.

Together we are figuring this thing out, this crazy task that God has given to us to create and then raise children. Insane.

i've never felt overwhelmed in my whole life... wow.