Absent Fathers

Why are men, traditionally, such selfish, inconsiderate, arrogant ass-holes?

Robin and I had lunch with my brother Bryan and his wife and three kids today in Santa Barbara, and on the way home we listened to a THIS AMERICAN LIFE episode called ACCIDENTAL DOCUMENTARIES. The show focuses on a bit of old tape dating from the 50's and 60's that was found at a thrift store which contained home recordings. The idea behind the episode was that these home recordings could be called "accidental documentaries" because they weren't purposefully recorded as documentaries, and therefor contain the very element of real life that documentaries try and capture, but so often can not because of the awareness that people are being filmed or recorded.

Anyway, the whole episode also centered around fathers - and not intentionally really, it just happened that through these recordings, you found holes... holes in families caused by absent fathers. Fathers who are so preoccupied by their work, by their obsessions, or by themselves, that their families never really get to know them. Either by ego, or issues from their own past, or just an ideology that they must be the sole provider of the family and therefore become work-a-holics... these fathers never connect with their kids, oppress their wives, and more often then not, end up miserable and alone. Which leads me to wonder... why are men such self-centered, egotistical maniacs who are only concerned about themselves, their interests, and getting what THEY want in life? How does this happen?

For instance, in one of the documentaries... it is a mother and father recording messages to their son who is away at college. The mom constantly is talking about her feelings and emotions, about her religion and worship time - while the dad's extent of discussion usually focuses around talking about machinery and his job, and telling crude jokes. It's like the only thing this Dad thinks about, is his job, and his machinery (toys). Everything else comes second - whether he thinks so or not.

Will I be such a father? I'm torn when I think about my career as a Youth Pastor - spending time with kids - and my role as a father - spending time with my own kids... and can I balance the two or will I focus so much on my job that I forget about my family... ? I think about how there are things I like, such as computers, web design, video games, and reading... will I get so caught up in my hobbies and pleasures that I disregard my wife and children's feelings? God, I hope not.

But then I have this strange thought... it seems, that most of the time, you can't really blame some of these men who end up being really bad fathers... Nobody taught them otherwise, they have so many issues from their own past they can't get past them. And perhaps they really are torn inside, they want to be good fathers but they just can't seem to get past their desires (success, football, women, toys, beer, whatever it is...) and so the desires win...

...I probably won't be like this, but that is because I think about this stuff a lot. I am a thinker... a philosopher - but most men are not. Most men are into cars and football, and couldn't tell their wife was sad unless there were tears rolling down her cheek (and even then...). So for the rest of time, for the rest of humanity, is this how it will be? Men will be selfish, arrogant ass-holes who put themselves before anyone else?