New Personal Record

So I threw up five times yesterday... or was it six, I lost count. That's a new record for me. I HATE throwing up... there is nothing worse in the entire world. Well, I'm sure there are probably much worse illnesses or diseases then just throwing up - but I seriously hate it.

I either got the flu, or food poisoning, but all day Monday I was a wreck. Robin stayed home from school to look after me and Amalea, and I don't know what I would have done with out her. Being sick is the worst! It's such an awful feeling to just have to sit there and not be able to play with your baby or to help out when she starts freaking out. Robin did an amazing job though, and I am feeling much better today. Still have a bit of a fever... but I'll live.

With the democratic primaries heating up today and the rest of the month, things are looking good for my man Obama... that's making me feel better just thinking about that.

Well... that's it for now, just wanted to drop a note and share my suffering with everyone ^_^

Sliding Down Canyons

I feel like a mud slide slowly losing my grip and breaking apart. I think it's the lack of sleep. I feel myself trying so hard to not just break apart, emotionally, but when your body feels tired, worn down, and pain-ridden, you have very little to hold onto before it all just comes tumbling down.

Being a parent is really hard. I'm sure it is probably easier for some others who probably have no problem with 4 or 5 hours of sleep and all the added stress in life, but i'm just not that strong. I have no pride, I'll just say it... this is hard for me. It's hard for both Robin and I. It's like, you want so badly to be a great parent and you try and try to stay positive, patient, and energetic, but you start to get discouraged when you realize how hard and frustrating it can be at times that you're not sure if you will always do the right thing. And then, at least for me, I get scared that I'm going to be a bad parent... and you start to feel sad. So many strange emotions in the Krill household right now. But so much joy at the same time. It's hard to talk about how hard it is - cause it is hard - because there really are so many moments of joy and laughter. So many smiles and hugs. I suppose that is what keeps us from sliding down the canyon.

I love my family... Robin and Amalea. I never could have imagined that in January of 2008 this is where I would be in my life; and I love it. It's so exciting and so fun... and I know that God will see us through all the hard parts... the slipping and breaking. I know that with every great adventure comes wastelands where you're not sure if you'll survive... where supplies are low and you're making sacrifices to get by... but if you just push through you'll arrive at the green valleys where you can play in the rivers and dance on the shores. Without the deserts and trials, the sweetness would not be as sweet; the joy as joyful. So I'm thankful, in a way, for these hard times... knowing that God is maturing Robin and I as parents, partners, and lovers - and there will come easier days.

When it hits you... it hits you hard.

Today was the first day I really thought I was going to lose it with Amalea.  Not really get mad at her, I'm not there yet, but just lose it by not finding the energy or motivation to play or be totally all there for her.  I just wanted to close my eyes and sleep... but her constant new-found scream told me there would be no resting today.

At 10:30 this morning, when I thought I couldn't handle it... I loaded her up in the car and we went for a drive.  Sorry global warming, but I looped around moorpark twice before stopping to get gas, go to the bank, and then go to the store.  Amalea just likes to be on the move... so when all else fails - get in the car.  Sure, she usually loses it at first in the car, but a few minutes in she'll give in to the constant rythme of the road and fall asleep.  

We made it through the day... but it sure was a long one.  I love Amalea so much, and each morning I really enjoy going in and watching her wake up, then picking her up and cuddling close, whispering good morning and I love you's in her ear, and then spending the morning just hanging out.  But when it hits you... the tiredness, the screaming, the poopy diapers, the constant need to be entertaining.... it hits you hard.

Apple Keynote

Amalea is down for a nap so I am watching a live feed (not video, just some guy typing notes and posting pictures) of the 2008 Apple Keynote... I'm so nerdy.

the thing is... I don't really care... ok maybe a little. Sleep well Amalea...

Redirection

I decided to change the name of my blog and the entire direction of my posts... what can I say - this is my life now; I am a father. It consumes me and takes up almost every waking hour... so I've found it very hard to find the inspiration to blog because all I can think of are things relating to Amalea... not that they are bad thoughts - or unimportant thoughts - it just wasn't the direction I had for my blog - so I figured I'd go with that.

So from now on you'll probably see a lot of stories and my own thoughts/joys/frustrations/questions from being a father.

Black Friday

"I really can't afford this TV -- I'll be making monthly payments on my credit card until this time next year," the 19-year-old Laguna Niguel resident said. "But it's the holidays. You do what you have to do."

- From an LA TIMES article today.

Also, check out my friend Tommy's Blog for some interesting comments sent to him by his professor regarding Black Friday.

Updates

I don't know what to blog about anymore. Mainly that is because I find it hard to collect my thoughts into a cohesive blog. In fact, a lot of times I'll sit down and start blogging... and then give up and erase it all because it makes absolutely no sense.

So I've decided, this time, to just write. The next few paragraphs are me just writing about whatever comes to mind... so please don't feel like you should read it, or that I expect anyone to read it - it's more for my own good.

Being a parent is hard. There are so many things you have to think about, and I am not a very good planner/organizer/time manager. And without adequate sleep, I begin to forget things... there's always something that needs to get done, and I forget to do half of it. I've also found that I suck at prioritizing. Sometimes I'll spend an hour on something worthless, and then realize I could have been doing one of the things I need to get done. That's hard for me - I really feel bad about it afterward, but don't really know how to change. I feel like I need a billion post-it notes taped to my body so I won't forget things. But then, organization takes time, and I feel like time is limited these days. Perhaps I need to figure out ways to get things done faster, or to do the things that matter the most first, and wait on the superfluous things. I need to manage my time better, otherwise things start to suffer: my marriage, the house (the yard), the youth group, friendships, and eventually - me. But I seem to only be able to concentrate on the thing that is suffering at the moment, thus forgetting about the other things until they suffer. It's this vicious cycle. For instance, I eat crappy food until I get sick, then I eat really good, feel better, then it's back to eating crappy because when I'm feeling good I don't have time to think about eating healthy. It's stupid, I know, but it seems to be how things are going at this point in my life.

It's hard managing your time between yourself, your wife, your kids, your job, your friends, God, and then everything else you have to do: bills, cleaning, taking a shower, watching tv, checking email, playing the wii ^_^ Has anyone figured it out yet?

And then I think of people who have done really amazing things, or have built their own business or something, and I wonder - how the hell did they find time for that? I can barely run my own life. And this made me ponder today, I haven't really been thinking about others - meaning, the poor, the sick, the needy; because I can barely think about myself and taking care of all the needs of my own family. Perhaps this is why Jesus was single; he could give much more of his time to the needy. So is it wrong to focus on your family so much and forget about - at least a little bit - the poor and needy? Will there come a time when I am more established and feel like I can focus on more things than I can right now? I sure hope so...

Am I happy right now? Well I know I am really overwhelmed - not just in the bad sense of feeling out of touch and a little frazzled - but also in the good sense of having so many good feelings about life, family, and our beautiful baby girl. But I feel like all my emotions get thrown into a big mush pot and I don't really feel any of them... it's just this constant stream of BLAH and trying to get through each day. There is no clarity, no definition.

And how is my faith? Well... I feel like I have been on cruise control just going through the motions - not that this is completely bad, a person has to survive, but I am looking forward to the day soon when I can learn again, be challenged and feel like God is moving me in a direction. I do feel like God is watching over Robin and I, and he still has plans for us to be his disciples... but right now all we can think about is Amalea... and I'm ok with that. She is making my faith stronger...

Here are some random thoughts for the moment:

.. Formula smells bad, and makes Amalea's poop smell retched.
.. Sleep is beautiful, and I suck at it.
.. Breast pumps are weird looking.
.. God is freakin' incredible... how did he do it? Create breathing? Create life?
.. You can chant Amalea's name like the sports chant "Let's go Dodgers... da, da, da da da da" - "A - MA - LEE - AH... da, da, da da da"
.. You can also sing Amalea's name a billion different ways, most of which I have tried.
.. I can eat a whole meal in three bites, and then get to Amalea before she cries.
.. Burping babies make me jump out of bed in the middle of the night.
.. The commute to work is the most peaceful part of my day.
.. watching someone you love be in pain, any kind of pain, is the worst thing in the world.

more to come.