Updates

I don't know what to blog about anymore. Mainly that is because I find it hard to collect my thoughts into a cohesive blog. In fact, a lot of times I'll sit down and start blogging... and then give up and erase it all because it makes absolutely no sense.

So I've decided, this time, to just write. The next few paragraphs are me just writing about whatever comes to mind... so please don't feel like you should read it, or that I expect anyone to read it - it's more for my own good.

Being a parent is hard. There are so many things you have to think about, and I am not a very good planner/organizer/time manager. And without adequate sleep, I begin to forget things... there's always something that needs to get done, and I forget to do half of it. I've also found that I suck at prioritizing. Sometimes I'll spend an hour on something worthless, and then realize I could have been doing one of the things I need to get done. That's hard for me - I really feel bad about it afterward, but don't really know how to change. I feel like I need a billion post-it notes taped to my body so I won't forget things. But then, organization takes time, and I feel like time is limited these days. Perhaps I need to figure out ways to get things done faster, or to do the things that matter the most first, and wait on the superfluous things. I need to manage my time better, otherwise things start to suffer: my marriage, the house (the yard), the youth group, friendships, and eventually - me. But I seem to only be able to concentrate on the thing that is suffering at the moment, thus forgetting about the other things until they suffer. It's this vicious cycle. For instance, I eat crappy food until I get sick, then I eat really good, feel better, then it's back to eating crappy because when I'm feeling good I don't have time to think about eating healthy. It's stupid, I know, but it seems to be how things are going at this point in my life.

It's hard managing your time between yourself, your wife, your kids, your job, your friends, God, and then everything else you have to do: bills, cleaning, taking a shower, watching tv, checking email, playing the wii ^_^ Has anyone figured it out yet?

And then I think of people who have done really amazing things, or have built their own business or something, and I wonder - how the hell did they find time for that? I can barely run my own life. And this made me ponder today, I haven't really been thinking about others - meaning, the poor, the sick, the needy; because I can barely think about myself and taking care of all the needs of my own family. Perhaps this is why Jesus was single; he could give much more of his time to the needy. So is it wrong to focus on your family so much and forget about - at least a little bit - the poor and needy? Will there come a time when I am more established and feel like I can focus on more things than I can right now? I sure hope so...

Am I happy right now? Well I know I am really overwhelmed - not just in the bad sense of feeling out of touch and a little frazzled - but also in the good sense of having so many good feelings about life, family, and our beautiful baby girl. But I feel like all my emotions get thrown into a big mush pot and I don't really feel any of them... it's just this constant stream of BLAH and trying to get through each day. There is no clarity, no definition.

And how is my faith? Well... I feel like I have been on cruise control just going through the motions - not that this is completely bad, a person has to survive, but I am looking forward to the day soon when I can learn again, be challenged and feel like God is moving me in a direction. I do feel like God is watching over Robin and I, and he still has plans for us to be his disciples... but right now all we can think about is Amalea... and I'm ok with that. She is making my faith stronger...

Here are some random thoughts for the moment:

.. Formula smells bad, and makes Amalea's poop smell retched.
.. Sleep is beautiful, and I suck at it.
.. Breast pumps are weird looking.
.. God is freakin' incredible... how did he do it? Create breathing? Create life?
.. You can chant Amalea's name like the sports chant "Let's go Dodgers... da, da, da da da da" - "A - MA - LEE - AH... da, da, da da da"
.. You can also sing Amalea's name a billion different ways, most of which I have tried.
.. I can eat a whole meal in three bites, and then get to Amalea before she cries.
.. Burping babies make me jump out of bed in the middle of the night.
.. The commute to work is the most peaceful part of my day.
.. watching someone you love be in pain, any kind of pain, is the worst thing in the world.

more to come.

THE WORST SONG EVER WRITTEN

I'm not against children's music - I love Rafi. But children's praise songs are about the worst collection of songs ever written... and this tops that list. Listener beware; this is the worst song, EVER.



* This is from a Kid's DISCovery cd that Marty got. It highlights new worship music for kids... haha. The name of this "Band" is Covenant Canyon's Cowboy Hat Choir... need I say more?

My new life

Can I even relate what it feels like to have a child?

Everything changes.

And I don't just mean that you have less time for yourself (I'm so annoyed by those people who make it sound like they regret having kids). I'm talking, EVERYTHING changes. Suddenly the glasses you have been wearing up until now get shattered, replaced with new lens, and everything is different. Not only do you see things differently, you hear things differently, you feel things differently. Whatever chemical it is that our bodies release when we become parents (OXYTOSINE?) - it alters reality.

It enhances reality.

But more specifically, being a parent increases empathy.

For the first time I am beginning to understand, or at least empathize, with certain people.

For instance, I understand over protective parents. I still don't think it is healthy to be super over protective - but I understand how people become that.

I understand marital and family issues, how stressful parenting can be and how some who aren't prepared (mentally/spiritually) can break and lose it.

Suddenly the world is beginning to make more sense... and it doesn't freak me out, or make me angry. Instead, it gives me hope. I know that sounds weird... but in a way it helps me see the why behind certain things in the world which helps me be a better pastor. I don't know how to describe that - except that my job is to see the unseen. To witness the why's and help people see, understand, empathize, and hopefully... forgive. We could all use a little forgiveness. A little grace. Being a parent has taught me grace... we are all fragile, we are all weak. We are all trying the best we can with the hand we've been dealt. Even that effort of trying the best we can is effected by our pasts... it is all connected.

Things are beginning to make sense. But there are still so many mysteries. How do families become so dysfunctional and brothers and sisters, parents and kids become so angry towards each other? Where does it start? Can you see destruction happening - or does it just hit you in the face one day... Will it happen to us? So many questions still... a journey, a new life I am learning to live. A new dance to learn... and now Robin, Amalea and I are taking our first steps...stumbling to the rhythm, learning the dance.

Being a father...

I have had two weeks of being a father and how do I feel? Overwhelmed.

Amalea was born two weeks ago on Oct. 1 - and since then, things have been so weird. Suddenly there is this person, this little innocent person that you just can't stop thinking about. There is always something to do; change a diaper, burp her, rock her to sleep, try to wake her up, give her a bath - and when I'm not trying to help with Amalea, there's always our lives that still keep going on; laundry, dishes, work, Zelda (ok that's not a necessity), etc. Life is so busy and demanding now, not to mention scary.

Tonight Amalea would not stop crying. And I don't mean a whimper or a little wah wah every other second. This was a non-stop breath taking, chill-giving scream-a-thon with no end in sight. Poor little thing looked like she was on the verge of death. And I held her and rocked her and put her over my shoulder to try and burp her while she screamed in my ear... but no luck, just scream scream scream. And who do you call? Is it bad enough to call 911? Is it bad enough to drive 30 minutes to the ER? Kaiser has no hotline, no nurse to talk to... so you're left weighing what you should do... and you're never really sure you made the right decision even when you buckle down and make a decision. I guess that describes fatherhood to a T. You do what you can - you do what you think you have to in any given moment, and pray that it's the right thing. Of course there is preperation and reading advice from professionals, but half the time they all contradict themselves, and all you can trust is intuition.

Robin is a great mother. She is so patient with Amalea, and so diligent at making sure she gets fed and I can tell it pains her to see her baby cry.

Together we are figuring this thing out, this crazy task that God has given to us to create and then raise children. Insane.

i've never felt overwhelmed in my whole life... wow.

E. DICKINSON (1862)

I know it's been a long time, and even now - I have no thoughts of my own to share, but instead a poem that I found, and love:

I died for Beauty - but was scarce
Adjusted in the tomb
When One who died for Truth, was lain
In an adjoining Room-

He questioned softly "Why I failed"?
"For Beauty", I replied-
"And I - for Truth - Themself are One-
We brethren, are", he said

And so, as Kinsmen, met a Night-
We talked between the Rooms-
Until the Moss had reached our lips-
And covered up-our names-

This made me sick. How could nobody do anything to help him?

SLEEPY

Two weeks of "my new job" which isn't new at all, just a little more responsibility, and I am already so tired. I feel like I have worked every day for the past two weeks, and I am starting to feel it. I just keep thinking about how tired I will be when Amalea comes... and it does not make me mad or regret in any way having a child - it just makes me a little nervous: How will I respond to little to no sleep?

I have been thinking a lot about sleep lately. Recently I listened to a Radio Lab podcast about sleep, and they say that Scientists don't really know why we sleep - only that when we don't, BAD things happen. People get irritable and down right nasty. Sometimes I wonder, will I ever yell at my daughter? I can't decide. Everyone says, "Oh you will." And I don't want to be snobby and think that I really won't... but I really don't think I could - at least, not in the "losing it yell for no reason yell because I'm pissed the Dodgers lost" sort of way. you know?

Anyway... perhaps we'll just have to wait and see!

All I know is that Amalea is going to be given life and to the fullest. I will do my best to create a space where she can dream, where she can find her voice, and learn to love. I will hold her when she cries and is hurting, and listen when she discovers new things. I will let her imagine, I will let her create. She will laugh and we will sing together. Dance, and perhaps cry together. She is a blank canvas and she will hold the paint brush of her life, and I can't wait to see what she paints. She will be beautiful... and she will be loved.

And if she's a he - he will be cherished and given the chance to explore and figure things out, and I will love him so much.

God, thank you for life.